30-day muscle gain plan

So you’re not a stick insect anymore, but still don’t quite resembling a human? You don’t have the fat to cover your abs, yet they still don’t want to show themselves? Are you afraid people will think you do calisthenics? You think you want some gains, so next month you can finally go to the beach?

Here are some examples, so you can hopefully relate:

Here is Kyle, Kyle is a 25-year-old 175 cm tall male with an average metabolism and average lifestyle. Kyle is a student who had never done sports, a typical geek, who is too lazy to even eat, and not only he is completely thin, but even his posture is yelling into everyone’s face: “hey, I am a loser, please bully me, thank you and sorry for the unpleasant visual experience while looking at me!” In his case saying “my dick is thicker than my arm” means nothing extraordinary, and even if he’d have a giant dick, he’d be still a big pussy.

Nonetheless, one day Kyle looks into the mirror, and sees a pathetic stick insect. He wishes he was Gregor Samsa and could turn into a somewhat thicker bug. He realizes his life story is way too boring to be written by Kafka, but it is written only by him, no one else. So let’s turn that pathetic life into an awesome story.

Since Kyle has an average metabolism with an average college lifestyle, he will:

After this plan Kyle will not only gain muscles, not only he will feel generally better, not only he will start to get better grades, but he will also improve from a Quasimodo to a Chad, so better watch out girls, your next baby daddy is coming!

Workout day

  • At 8:45 Kyle wakes up, makes his coffee, and attends his classes.
  • At 11:00 Kyle eats his no-carb meal as breakfast.
  • At 13:30 Kyle eats his lunch during a break.
  • At 16:00 Kyle eats his second lunch after classes.
  • At 17:30 Kyle starts his workout, and 19:00 after his workout he drinks his post-workout shake.
  • At 20:00 Kyle eats his dinner.
  • Then Kyle wastes his time with useless things as every millennial, but he mans up, stops playing his stupid game or watching his stupid series, and goes to sleep at 24:00.

Rest day

  • At 8:45 Kyle wakes up, makes his coffee, and attends his classes.
  • At 11:00 Kyle eats his no-carb meal as breakfast.
  • At 13:30 Kyle eats his lunch during a break.
  • At 16:00 Kyle eats his second lunch after classes.
  • At 18:30 Kyle eats his dinner.
  • Then Kyle wastes his time with useless things as every millennial, but he mans up, stops playing his stupid game or watching his stupid series, and goes to sleep at 24:00.

old

Here is Kyle, Kyle is a 25-year-old 175 cm tall male with an average metabolism, average lifestyle. Kyle is a student. Kyle is lazy to work out. Kyle is a typical geek, who is too lazy to even eat, and not only he is completely thin, but even his posture is yelling into everyone’s face: “hey, I am a loser, please bully me, thank you and sorry for the unpleasant visual experience while looking at me!” One day Kyle looks into the mirror and sees a pathetic stick insect. He wishes he was Gregor Samsa and could turn into a thicker bug. He realizes his life story is not written by Kafka, but is written only by him, no one else. Since he had never done sports, he choses a beginner training plan, and later he switches to the 3 days a week professional training plan, so he can adjust it to his weekly schedule. His posture will also improve from a Quasimodo to a Chad, so better watch out girls, your next baby daddy is coming!

Since Kyle is a young male with an average metabolism, but has no muscles, so can’t eat too much. Kyle choses the 1.8:3:2 diet plan, which means 135 g proteins, 225 g carbs and 150 g fats, which is 2790 kcal. If it is too much, he either lowers it or starts to have a little more active lifestyle like any normal human being; and if it’s too low, he can eat more.

Workout day

  • At 8:45 Kyle wakes up, makes his coffee, and attends his classes.
  • At 11:00 Kyle eats his breakfast.
  • At 13:30 Kyle eats his lunch during a break.
  • At 16:00 Kyle eats his second lunch during after classes.
  • At 17:30 Kyle starts his workout, and 19:00 after his workout he drinks his post-workout shake.
  • At 20:00 Kyle eats his dinner.
  • Then Kyle wastes his time with useless things as every millennial, but he mans up, stops playing his stupid game or watching his stupid series, and goes to sleep at 24:00.

Rest day

  • At 8:45 Kyle wakes up, makes his coffee, and attends his classes.
  • At 11:00 Kyle eats his breakfast.
  • At 13:30 Kyle eats his lunch during a break.
  • At 16:00 Kyle eats his second lunch during after classes.
  • At 18:30 Kyle eats his dinner.
  • Then Kyle wastes his time with useless things as every millennial, but he mans up, stops playing his stupid game or watching his stupid series, and goes to sleep at 24:00.

Here is Kylie, Kylie is a 35-year-old 165 cm tall female with an average metabolism and active lifestyle. Kylie is an office worker. Kylie has a dog, she wakes up every morning with motivation, and can’t wait to go out to the fresh air to see her dog’s happy face. Be like Kylie. Kylie has a little workout experience (some trendy yoga obviously and a few crossfit classes). Kylie leads an active lifestyle, she hikes a lot, and does yoga sometimes, also, she is a big fan of seasonal sports too. Kylie is too thin, and she does not like it. People think she is starving herself, but she’s just not paying enough attention to food, as she is not a big eater. She wants to get toned, to have an irresistible ass and sporty body.

Since Kylie has an average metabolism with an active lifestyle, she will:

  • choose the beginner training plan, then the 6-day cycle professional training plan; she choses this because the cyclic form gives her more freedom with the other activities
  • pick the bold recomp diet plan, which means 130 g proteins, 195 g carbs and 130 g fats, which is 2470 kcal. If it’s too low, she will switch to a higher diet plan, since moving less is not an option for her. If it’s too much, she downgrades.

After this plan Kylie will not only get into her fitness model form, not only can shine at the beach, not only make professional-looking Instagram pics while hiking or doing yoga, but she will also make her mother not worried about anorexia anymore!

Workout day

  • At 7:00 Kylie wakes up, goes for her morning dog walk. Then she showers, and goes to the office.
  • At 9:00 Kylie eats her no-carb meal as breakfast.
  • At 12:00 Kylie eats her lunch with other colleagues and talks shit about their boss.
  • At 15:00 Kylie eats her second lunch.
  • At 17:00 Kylie starts her workout, and at 18:30 she drinks her post-workout shake.
  • At 19:30 Kylie eats her dinner.
  • Then Kylie reads, watches some shows, ghosts some losers on Tinder, goes for a dog walk before sleep, and goes to sleep at 23:00.

Rest day

  • At 7:00 Kylie wakes up, goes for her morning dog walk. Then she showers, and goes to the office.
  • At 9:00 Kylie eats her no-carb meal as breakfast.
  • At 12:00 Kylie eats her lunch with other colleagues and talks shit about their boss.
  • At 15:00 Kylie eats her second lunch.
  • At 18:00 Kylie eats her dinner.
  • Then Kylie reads, watches some shows, ghosts some losers on Tinder, goes for a dog walk before sleep, and goes to sleep at 23:00.

old

Here is Kylie, Kylie is a 35-year-old 165 cm tall female with an average metabolism, average lifestyle. Kylie works at an office. Kylie has a dog, she wakes up every morning with motivation, and can’t wait to go out to the fresh air to see her dog’s happy face. Be like Kylie. Kylie has a little workout experience (some yoga and a little crossfit obviously), so she reads everything about training theory, especially how to execute the exercises properly. She choses a 6-day cycle professional training plan, and starts her weight gain diet with this diet plan. Kylie wakes up every morning at 7am, walks her dog. Kylie leads an active lifestyle, she hikes a lot, and does yoga sometimes, also, she is a big fan of seasonal sports too.

Kylie is at the peak of her life, with average female metabolism she needs a little less energy than an average male with the same height, however, her active lifestyle allows her to consume more energy than other women leading a sedentary lifestyle, plus morning dog walks qualify for a morning cardio. Therefore, she choses the 1.8:3:2 diet plan, which means 117 g proteins, 195 g carbs and 130 g fat, which is 2418 kcal. If it’s too low, she will switch to a higher diet plan, since moving less is not an option for her. If it’s too much, she downgrades.

Workout day

  • At 7:00 Kylie wakes up, goes for her morning dog walk. Then she showers, and goes to the office.
  • At 9:00 Kylie eats her breakfast.
  • At 12:00 Kylie eats lunch with other colleagues and talks shit about their boss.
  • At 15:00 Kylie eats her second lunch.
  • At 17:00 Kylie starts her workout, and at 18:30 she drinks her post-workout shake.
  • At 19:30 Kylie eats her dinner.
  • Then Kylie reads, watches some shows, ghosts some losers on Tinder, goes for a dog walk before sleep, and goes to sleep at 23:00.

Rest day

  • At 7:00 Kylie wakes up, goes for her morning dog walk. Then she showers, and goes to the office.
  • At 9:00 Kylie eats her breakfast.
  • At 12:00 Kylie eats lunch with other colleagues and talks shit about their boss.
  • At 15:00 Kylie eats her second lunch.
  • At 18:00 Kylie eats her dinner.
  • Then Kylie reads, watches some shows, ghosts some losers on Tinder, goes for a dog walk before sleep, and goes to sleep at 23:00.

Here is Robert, Robert is a 45-year-old 185 cm tall male with average metabolism and family lifestyle. Robert is a construction worker. He knows his physical profession needs a lot of calories, hence he’s always tried to eat more, especially that he started to work out as well. Robert “eats like a miner”, except for the fact that now miners are just neckbeards watching their GPU-s say brrrrr. However, since he’s doing heavy physical work, while trying to build some muscles, he’ll need more than a double sandwich for lunch. When he was younger he did some lifting, and now he decided to start it again. He likes to have an active lifestyle, but with family and everything it’s not that easy to fetch time for them, while they usually spend the weekends together. Robert’s body is turning into its old phase, but thank God, with hypertrophy workout and a perfect diet he can remain younger than many people in their 20’s. His daily schedule allows him to train early morning. Robert is a real man, he doesn’t whine, he just wakes up and get things done, so he can arrive to the job fresh and full of energy and satisfaction.

Since Robert has an average metabolism with hard manual labour & family lifestyle, he will:

After this plan Robert will not only get into a shape, not only all the single moms at his kids’ school will fantasise about him, not only he’ll land better clients because of his appearance, but also his wife will happy, since her husband will look irresistible making the boys jealous on the beach, while his improved performance in bed will spice up their marriage too, plus his muscles will make his wife wetter than ever before.

Workout day

  • At 4:00 Robert wakes up, drinks his coffee, while he plans his day and gets inspiration, then at 4:30 he starts his workout, and at 6:00 he drinks his post-workout shake.
  • At 07:00 Robert eats his main meal breakfast with his colleagues, they drink they pre-work coffee and start building.
  • At 10:30 Robert eats his lunch in a break, while the others smoke and drink cocoa.
  • At 14:00 Robert eats his second lunch in lunch break.
  • At 17:30 Robert eats his third lunch.
  • Then Robert goes home, takes a nap from 17:30 to 18:30.
  • At 19:30 Robert eats his no carb meal as dinner.
  • Then Robert does his adult things, and goes to sleep preferably between 21:30 and 22:00.

Rest day

  • At 6:00 Robert wakes up, prepares what he can for the family, and goes to work.
  • At 07:00 Robert eats his main meal breakfast with his colleagues, they drink they pre-work coffee and start building.
  • At 10:30 Robert eats his lunch in a break, while the others smoke and drink cocoa.
  • At 14:00 Robert eats his second lunch in lunch break.
  • At 17:30 Robert eats his third lunch.
  • Then Robert goes home, takes a nap from 17:30 to 18:30.
  • At 19:30 Robert eats his no carb meal as dinner.
  • Then Robert does his adult things, and goes to sleep preferably between 21:30 and 22:00.

If Robert’s shift starts later, then on rest days he prepares the kids and takes them to school. Robert is not a jerk, doesn’t let his wife to do everything, be like Robert. Also, if Robert feels like splitting his main meals into more doses, it’s completely fine.

old

Here is Robert, Robert is a 45-year-old 185 cm tall male with average metabolism. Robert is a construction worker. He knows his physical profession needs a lot of calories, hence he’s always tried to eat more, especially that he works out as well. He used to jog a lot, but he hated it. In Robert’s head a man looks like a man: bulky and strong, not like a peacock. He secretly believes that there is a special place in hell for people who love cardio and care about being shredded. He also re-wrote Dante’s Divine Comedy to put one more chamber in Hell for cardio-sinners just below the traitors, but it was too cringe, so he’s shown it only to his cat. Btw, it is kinda weird, I mean Lucifer raping you in BDSM suit on a speedy treadmill is truly a well-deserved punishment for your abomination. Anyway, Robert starts with the 3 days a week professional training plan, because he already has some calisthenics experience. He likes to have an active lifestyle, but with family and everything it’s not that easy to fetch time for them, while they usually spend the weekends together. His daily schedule allows him to train early morning. Robert is a real man, he doesn’t whine, he just wakes up and get things done, so he can arrive to the job fresh and full of energy and satisfaction.

Robert’s body is turning into its old phase, but thank God, with hypertrophy workout and a perfect diet he can remain younger than many people in their 20’s. Robert is a smart man, he knows he has to be cautious at work, he knows how to avoid injuries. Besides, Robert’s wife is also happy, because not only her husband will look irresistible making the boys jealous on the beach, but his improved performance in bed will spice up their marriage too. Since Robert is a construction worker, he needs a lot of calories. Robert “eats like a miner”, except for the fact that now miners are just neckbeards watching their GPU-s say brrrrr. Robert chooses the 1.8:3:2.5 diet plan, which means 153 g proteins, 255 g carbs and 213 g fats, which is 3549 kcal. If it’s too low, he will switch to a higher diet plan, and if it’s too much, he will choose a lower one.

Workout day

  • At 4:00 Robert wakes up, drinks his coffee, while he plans his day and gets inspiration, then at 4:30 he starts his workout, and at 6:00 he drinks his post-workout shake.
  • At 07:00 Robert eats his breakfast with his colleagues, they drink they pre-work coffee and start building.
  • At 09:30 Robert eats his lunch in a break, while the others smoke and drink cocoa.
  • At 12:00 Robert eats his second lunch in lunch break.
  • At 15:00 Robert eats his dinner.
  • Then Robert goes home, takes a nap from 17:00 to 18:30.
  • Then Robert does his adult things, and goes to sleep preferably between 21:30 and 22:00.

Rest day

  • At 6:00 Robert wakes up, prepares what he can for the family, and goes to work.
  • At 07:00 Robert eats his breakfast with his colleagues, they drink they pre-work coffee and start building.
  • At 09:30 Robert eats his lunch in a break, while the others smoke and drink cocoa.
  • At 12:00 Robert eats his second lunch in lunch break.
  • At 15:00 Robert eats his dinner.
  • Then Robert goes home, takes a nap from 17:00 to 18:30.
  • Then Robert does his adult things, and goes to sleep preferably between 21:30 and 22:00.

*If Robert’s shift starts later, then on rest days he prepares the kids and takes them to school. Robert is not a jerk, doesn’t let his wife to do everything, be like Robert.

new

Here is Roberta, Roberta is a 55-year-old 155 cm tall female with slow metabolism and home office lifestyle. Roberta is a freelancer. She knows she has a slow metabolism, hence she’s always been more body-conscious. She used to jog a lot, she likes it, but now she’s learned it’s not the best way to get in shape, and at her age she needs to spare her joints too. She likes to have an active lifestyle, and with her established work-life balance she’s always on the move when she can. Roberta’s body is turning into its old phase, but thank God, with hypertrophy workout and a perfect diet she can look younger than many people in their 20’s. Roberta realized salads and jogging topped with some yoga won’t help her in ageing. Her skin became loose, and despite her low body fat, she still looks skinny fat…and you don’t want to be skinny fat after 50, trust me. However, after she found unclishfitness.com, she woke up from the misconceptions, and she knows that the secret spring of youth is nothing else but hypertrophy workout and unclish diet. She needs to tone up her body. Her daily schedule allows her to train early morning, which goes well with the home office as well as with the frequent travels.

Since Roberta has a slow metabolism with freelance & travel lifestyle, she will:

After this plan, Roberta will not only have a tight skin and an ass that would make any straight man hard, not only will she finally feel that she’s back in college hiding from hungry preying gazes of horny applicants for her pussy, not only will she become the cougar Barney Stinson would give everything to get a chance with, but she will be in the possession of the Holy Grail of Youth. I mean, Roberta is a smart woman, she knows her worth is not determined by how men are attracted to her, she just wants to show all her loose hanging-pussy single mom classmates from high-school that “what’s up, bitches?” Nothing tastes better than revenge, especially not chicken with rice.

Workout day

  • At 7:00 Roberta wakes up, drinks her coffee, while he plans her day and gets inspiration, then at 7:30 she starts her workout, and at 9:00 she drinks her post-workout shake.
  • At 10:00 Roberta eats her main meal as breakfast.
  • At 13:00 Roberta eats her lunch.
  • At 16:00 Roberta eats her second lunch.
  • At 19:00 Roberta eats her no carb meal as dinner.
  • Then Roberta does her adult things, and goes to sleep preferably between 22:30 and 23:00.

Rest day

  • At 9:00 Roberta wakes up drinks her coffee, while he plans her day and gets inspiration.
  • At 10:00 Roberta eats her no carb meal as breakfast.
  • At 13:00 Roberta eats her lunch.
  • At 16:00 Roberta eats her second lunch.
  • At 19:00 Roberta eats her dinner.
  • Then Roberta does her adult things, and goes to sleep preferably between 22:30 and 23:00.

old

Here is Roberta, Roberta is a 55-year-old 155 cm tall female with slow metabolism. Roberta is a freelancer. She knows she has a slow metabolism, hence she’s always been more body-conscious. She used to jog a lot, she likes it, but now she’s learned it’s not the best way to get in shape. She likes to have an active lifestyle, and with her established work-life balance she’s always on the move when she can. Her daily schedule allows her to train in the morning.

Roberta’s body is turning into its old phase, but thank God, with hypertrophy workout and a perfect diet she can remain younger than many people in their 20’s. Roberta realized salads and jogging spiced up with some yoga won’t help her in ageing. Her skin became loose, and without toned muscles she will soon look like a witch. However, after she found unclishfitness.com, she woke up from the misconceptions, and she knows that the secret spring of youth is nothing else but hypertrophy workout and unclish diet. She chooses the 3 days a week training plan. This way she can tone up her body, have a tight skin and an ass that would make any straight man hard, and she will finally feel she’s back in college again hiding from hungry preying gazes of horny applicants for her pussy. She will become the cougar Barney Stinson would give everything to get a chance with. Roberta is a smart woman, she knows her worth is not determined by how men are attracted to her, she just wants to show all her loose hanging-pussy single mom classmates from high-school that “what’s up, bitches?” Roberta chooses the 1.8:2.5:2 diet plan, which means 99 g proteins, 138 g carbs and 110 g fats, which is 1938 kcal. If it’s too low, she will switch to a higher diet plan, and if it’s too much, she will downgrade. But she can also get a dog like every normal human being, thus including more activities in her life.

Workout day

  • At 7:00 Roberta wakes up, drinks her coffee, while he plans her day and gets inspiration, then at 7:30 she starts her workout, and at 9:00 she drinks her post-workout shake.
  • At 10:00 Roberta eats her breakfast.
  • At 12:30 Roberta eats her lunch.
  • At 15:00 Roberta eats her second lunch.
  • At 17:30 Roberta eats her dinner.
  • Then Roberta does her adult things, and goes to sleep preferably between 22:30 and 23:00.

Rest day

  • At 9:00 Roberta wakes up, drinks her coffee, while he plans her day and gets inspiration.
  • At 10:00 Roberta eats her breakfast.
  • At 12:30 Roberta eats her lunch.
  • At 15:00 Roberta eats her second lunch.
  • At 17:30 Roberta eats her dinner.
  • Then Roberta does her adult things, and goes to sleep preferably between 22:30 and 23:00.

Your plan

Week 1

-weight gain meal plan

–training plan

Week 2

-weight gain meal plan

–training plan

Week 3

-weight gain meal plan

–training plan

Week 4

-weight gain meal plan

–training plan

So can I just choose whatever training plan and meal plan, and that's it?

“The plan chooses the bodybuilder. That much has always been clear to those of us who have studied fitness… If you are any bodybuilder at all you will be able to channel your workout through almost any instrument. The best results, however, must always come where there is the strongest affinity between bodybuilder and plan. These connections are complex. An initial attraction, and then a mutual quest for experience, the plan learning from the bodybuilder, the bodybuilder from the plan.”

—Mr Boddyvander

So it's just literally only a meal plan and training plan, and that's it?

If you think more complicated means better results, then complain to your parents why did they make you the simple way.

It has begun!

April 5th, 2020|0 Comments

Hey all, it took me almost a year, but my blog-website combo is finally ready to go public. It's still not completely ready though, but I hope that by publishing I'll motivate myself more.